Mixed Emotions

This Christmas Season brings so many mixed emotions, all crowding me in like children, trying desperately to reach out to Santa, knowing not what they do as they trample over those right beside them.
In the Seventies, I had some pretty wonderful Christmases: magical events at my Grandparent's house, with all the best eats...cookies baked with care for weeks in advance; seafood prepared especially for our Christmas Eve feast.
Love and gaudy decorations.
In my memory, you can't get better than that.
In the Eighties, my Christmases got a lot more sketchy: my mother married an abusive terrorist, and those Holidays were marked by alternate violence and those one or two years when he just took off completely. Although my mother was saddened by his absence, I was secretly thrilled that there was peace in the house, however temporary, and that perhaps I wouldn't be calling the cops that year.
The Nineties enabled me to find my own Christmas. With all the baggage from Christmas Past, I knew exactly what I wanted to do and not do...and I set about making myself merry. It was a time of great healing. It was when I met my Cop. We formed an alliance, and although at times the house has shaken, we are trying hard to hold onto that foundation laid so many moons ago.
This year, all those memories come to visit, some to stay. Last year, Roc had a horrible rotation...he worked Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve AND Day, New Year's Eve AND Day...I can go on...this year, he has off Christmas Eve and we are hosting.
It will be strange; my Dad is coming to me for the first time ever. I can hear his pain building, even now, and my heart breaks all over again as the Holiday nears. My StepMom won't be there with us, and I tear up just thinking about the fact that someone who loved me and who I so dearly loved is gone. My brother will be with us, and I can't really imagine what his first Christmas Eve without Mom will be like...I only hope that my meager attempt at food, fun and festivities can dull a little pain.
God knows I intend to try: I'm blessed in so many ways. Maybe because I have had both of those Christmases, I understand the difference, and I'm grateful for the good ones.
The ones that are still to come I hold in my hands like fragile dreams.