So I carried on. I had given myself a deadline: Dec 31, 2012. That was it. If nothing happened by then, I would go no further...I had already traveled down a long and difficult road, and I was getting older, and I didn't want to "push the envelope" ---so to speak.
In the interim, I began having conversations with all types of different women: women at the gym, women I met through acting class, neighbors, friends, and strangers. I found one theme that seemed to keep popping up throughout: it seemed as if all of them knew whether they wanted to have a child or not. I decided that I envied them their certainty.
"Oh, I always knew I wanted to have kids." One woman professed, and then waved her hand, as if that part of her life were a foregone conclusion.
"How?" I wanted to ask, but didn't. My voice inside my head would ask: How do you just know these things? I felt isolated in my fear, and alone in my thoughts. How do you just "know?"