Saturday, June 22, 2013

The Conversation

"So how do you feel?" We were sitting on the couch Christmas morning, sharing a hot cup of tea. "I mean, I made my decision, but I just wanted to check in and make sure you're okay with it."
"I'm fine." He rubbed my leg. "I feel like you do; it obviously just wasn't meant to be, and I'm okay with that."
"Okay." I nodded. "I'm going to call and make an appointment right after the Holidays."
 We had just been talking about our pregnancy journey. I had made a firm decision that I was done trying. I was tired of the emotional roller-coaster and was ready to step off; besides the fact that my Birthday had recently come and gone, and it was some sort of marker for "advanced maternal age." In my heart, I knew that I was not at all interested in pursuing this further. I was at peace with my decision and I was hoping he was on the same page. We had decided early on that we would not go the IVF Route, and being the fatalist that I am, I was completely disinterested in moving forward and feeling as if I were manipulating the situation. Please keep in mind that I have nothing against scientific advances that help women to get pregnant: it just wasn't for me.
I was going to go back on birth control right after the first of the year, and I felt peace about my decision. My mind was settling in to this new reality, and I already had an idea churning inside of me.
"You know how we've talked about going to Australia?" I threw it out there, figuring what the hell. The world was once again my oyster.
"Well, I know we talked about going when you retire...but...what's to say we shouldn't go now? I'd rather go on a big, adventurous trip like that when I'm younger...and now that we're not going to have a kid...?"
"Let's look at it. Who knows? I don't know if I can take a couple of weeks back-to-back, but...I'm starting to have some time on, so...let's see."
"Great." I promised myself that I would get on that project as well, as soon as the New Year came.

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